I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
is wine microwaveable?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
