Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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