listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
