he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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