Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
