I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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