My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
