I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
