dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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