We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
