Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
