I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
