I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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