Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
