Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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