i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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