Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
