Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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