Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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