I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Randomize
