I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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