there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
