When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
