It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
