So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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