I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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