I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
