I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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