I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
