dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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