my phone needs a breathalizer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize