Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
