I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize