Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
