New invention idea: vibrating tampons
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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