I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
