I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
