How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
