Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
