just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You pole danced in your parka.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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