I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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