It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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