I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
