I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I fill condoms, not promises.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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