Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
