he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
