My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
