Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
