Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Randomize
