Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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