Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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