I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
