mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
