Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
