i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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