You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
