spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
That accounts for only three of the penises
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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