life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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