If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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