Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
