dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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