so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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