just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
