Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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