Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
