fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
