That's when you crack a 10am beer
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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