i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
