nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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