Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
